{My Pregnancy Journal} Fear of Miscarriage and How It Has Grown Me

Yaffie

I never anticipated having miscarriage on my brain, but as soon as we learned we were expecting, I was very much aware of the possibility that Yaffie would not make it. I have been doing everything in my power to give our baby a fighting chance, but there is an incredible sense of helplessness and lack of control when it comes to sustaining a child that is only a few weeks old.

As I worked through the fear of losing Yaffie, I realized that we will never really be able to control our children’s lives and safety. Once they are physically born, it may seem like we have more control, because we can see them and touch them and be responsible to keep them out of harm’s way. But they are still never really ours, and God has already ordained their days apart from our plans and care. In a way, it is a scary thought–knowing that God could take my child at any point–but really, it is a comforting and freeing truth to understand that what is best for us and our baby is exactly what God has sovereignly planned. That “best” may not be what I desire, but it is nonetheless very good.

At first, I thought it would be wise and mature not to get too attached to Yaffie early on, knowing that we had a good “chance” of miscarriage. But then I realized that each day that God allows me to be a mom is a gift He has bestowed, and it is perfectly good and precious to embrace everything about it and to love our baby with all my heart, provided I am still willing to let him go if God should require that. As long as Yaffie takes his proper place behind my love for and trust in God, I cannot treasure him too much! 

I think the sense of helplessness we may feel in the early weeks of pregnancy is a great way to practice holding our child in an open hand before the Lord right from the start. I want to remember these feelings of dependency on God far beyond the cradle, as He continually teaches me that our children belong to Him and are ours to care for only as long as He allows. This frees us to love them with all our hearts, recognize them as the precious gifts that they are from God, and trust Him with their futures.

My worries quickly gave way to peace as God spoke truths into my heart and brought His Word to bear on my thoughts and emotions.

The fear of miscarriage was not something I had anticipated needing to work through, but it was a tool that God used to grow my faith, teach me to trust, and encourage me to embrace every moment of motherhood.

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6 thoughts on “{My Pregnancy Journal} Fear of Miscarriage and How It Has Grown Me

  1. Amen to everything you shared Abbie! What a blessing to read. Today on my way to work I was thinking about how wonderful it is to be a child of God when there are fears or worries in life. Even though those emotions are icky, God USES them to mold us and teach us new things about Himself! What an awesome God and Savior we serve. And yes the fear of miscarriage certainly teaches us what it will be like holding our children in opens hands for the rest of their lives. I’m sure in a way I’ll be relearning it almost every day though :o)

  2. Anna says:

    Hello, I am a new reader to your blog. As a mom of 4 healthy children, I have to say I didn’t spend much time thinking about miscarriage. This past fall however, I did miscarry our 5th precious blessing. It was so unexpected! Some other health issues came up, and I, for the first time had to really realize God is the sovereign giver of life, (not our “choice” much at all) as I wondered if I would be able to have any more babies. Now I am 7 wks along, and trying to find the line between cautiousness in getting excited, and fear, and embracing and rejoicing in this pregnancy! It has taught me much of what you stated here – loving this child with my whole heart, yet willing for it to be the Lord’s either way. When you said, “In a way, it is a scary thought–knowing that God could take my child at any point–but really, it is a comforting and freeing truth to understand that what is best for us and our baby is exactly what God has sovereignly planned.” It’s amazing, I had a conversation with my dad about that very thing. He said we have to trust God is sovereign and good, and it’s not in our power, except to trust.
    God bless you in your pregnancy and bring that life to fullness of beautiful babyhood!

    • Hi Anna, thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment! It is encouraging to hear how God is using your loss to teach you about His character and to build trust in you. Congratulations on a new baby! That is precious! Keep in touch. :)

  3. When I was pregnant for the first time, I had a miscarriage. When I was pregnant the second time, that was all I could think about. I was so worried… almost obsessed. I delivered a healthy girl. Then when we were trying to get pregnant the second time around, i had another miscarriage. Once again that miscarriage overshadowed the following healthy pregnancy.

    I look back and think how I wish I knew Christ then. I would have recognized that those worries and fears were wasted. I have some sadness that both times I was pregnant, I could not enjoy the pregnancies because I was so worried.

    I’m so glad you have Christ in your journey through motherhood.

    Thank you for sharing (and for linking up to the SHINE Blog Hop).

    Wishing you a blessed day.
    xoxo

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